Jamie's Blog: I don't know anything about my life anymore...
February 12, 2006 -
I don't know anything about my life anymore...
I am sick of looking for hope of something better. There isn't anything better than what I have now. And what I have now is nothing. I have no one that has any interest in me, family, friends, etc; and no money to just get the fuck out of here and never come back.
Where would I go? Fuck if I know. What would I do? Fuck if I know.
I do know one thing, it would be better than this fucking boring, worthless, piece of shit life I am living now.
The bad part? There is nothing I can do about it.
I am the most passionate person I have ever seen. I believe in people to a degree that always ends in heartbreak for me. I am not talking about just women, or love. I am talking about friends too. I am always the one that calls. I am the one that tries to keep in touch. I am the one that will give up my fucking kidney if a friend needed it. I am that person. The person that actually fucking cares.
Let me tell you, it sucks. Living this life, full of one-sided affairs with other people, and being left out to dry everytime. It leaves me in a constant depression that is inescapable without drugs and alcohol.
Let's look at those two for a second. Drugs and alcohol = The college life. They are the real reasons that I left Concord. I felt my health degrading at a rate faster than a person with HIV. So, I done something for myself. I left, without the thought of returning. Drugs and alcohol are not what make me the person I am.
I am 20 years old. I will be 21 in a few months. What then? Who knows... who cares?
These are the questions of life to which I am wanting the answers. Are there answers? If there are, will they be what I want to hear? I don't care if it's what I want to hear or not. If I am already stuck in this rut, what would be the difference?
I wonder if there is anyone out there that feels the same way I do. I am sure there are. But I will never meet them. Because I live in this uneducated, poor, and low population state. I will never experience diversity being stuck around the same people everyday of my life.
I just want something new, something different.... something better.
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