December 30, 2004 -
The choices that I have made...
A post worth reading... I hope.
I am spilling my heart in this post. All of my thoughts... so that hopefully I can sleep at night.
First of all, I am a Democrat now. I will no longer support George W. Bush and his dirty political ways. It is not the way of the American people, and that's who I have in interest. The people. Not dirty politicians. People change.
I went through a horrible phase at the end of this past semester of college. I was drinking almost every night, smoking, smoking other stuff, and dipping snuff. Doing everything I could to harm my body, it seems to me now. No more. As of right now, I am drug free. I will quit, because I am strong enough. I will probably still drink on occasion, but I will never drink like I have previously, it's just fucking stupid. As most of my decisions tend to be. I am not really sure what I was thinking when I went through this. Get out of my mind to get out of this place? Let me tell ya, it didn't work. Life is too short to waste. I am almost 20 years old. 20. It is time for responsibility. I am making a responsible decision right now.
I try to cover up my fear of the future. I use this philosophy that involves to never plan, just live each day as if it was my last. Why would someone think this? Are they not looking forward to living to see their planned future? Perhaps. I am going to have to look that fear in the face, and start looking forward in my life, set goals, accomplish them, and be happy.
What goes through a person's mind before they light a joint? Before they drink another case of beer? I can tell you. I wanted to get away. Get lost. Stop worrying about everything and just chill. Everything will be better with this last hit...
No, it won't. It is just a temporary thing, and when it is over, you are right back in the pile of shit you were in before you got high. Risking my life is not worth a 2 hour relief from pain. Pain reminds you that you are still alive. That's good enough for me.
I have let so many people down, but they still support me. If I didn't have this type of support structure: friends, family, teachers, coaches; I would not be strong enough to make the right decisions. I did make the wrong decisions before, but I am changing that now.
Victoria, you mean a lot to me. I know that your life has been rough, and things don't seem to get any easier, but you know that I am always here for you. I haven't known you that long. That is true. But why should that be a deciding factor in our happiness. I know that you are confused about things, and you think a lot. I don't want to add anything on your plate, but I can't ignore the fact that God has given me what I asked for back in October. That maybe someday, I will get a chance, for you, again. He has given us another chance. I don't know if this chance was meant for a relationship, or a very strong friendship. Either one is fine with me, as long as I have you in my life. No one is capable of loving you the way that I am capable of loving you. To clarify, I am not saying that I am deeply in love with you now, but I am capable of such a thing. That's up to you. Oh, you were right about one thing for sure. I am an Emo kid.
By the way, these changes that I am making in my life, have nothing whatsoever to do with religion, in the christianity since. I believe in God and Jesus in my own way. I do not need rich, squares to tell me how to live my life. God lives inside of me, inside my heart. He knows my heart and soul, and what kind of person I am. If I want to say fuck, shit, cock, cunt, ass, bitch, or any other word, he will not judge me because of a stupid word. "But Jamie, if the words are so stupid, why do you use them anyway?" Because I fucking want to.
I guess I just thought about things today. Thought about my life. And thought about the future. The future looked fuzzy. So I realized there are changes to be made. I had to tell everyone, because people need to know. Plus it's not lingering around in my head driving me nucking futs.
This is not an emotional, or mental breakdown. It is an awakening. A realization that my life is passing me by. I have to stop wasting and waiting, it's time to move on.
"Dear my friends, in the time we've spent, forever after beyond this, when will our nightmare ever end?" .... "Pull the trigger and the nightmare stops... pull the trigger and the nightmare stops... pull the trigger and the nightmare stops, forever you will, forever you will learn" Coheed and Cambria - Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow)
"Small simple safe price, rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets. This is not a small cut that scabs and dries and flakes and heals. And I am not afraid to die. I am not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight. I want the pain of payment. What's left but a section of pigmy sized cuts? Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks? Would you be my little cut? Would you be my thousand fucks? And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid, to fill and spill over and under my thoughts. My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter. I'm cutting, trying to picture your black, broken heart. Love is not like anything. Especially a fucking knife." The Used - I'm A Fake
Those were two of my favorite lyrics.
I hope no one thinks less of me because of this post. If anyone needs more clarity, call me. (304) 438-7465. Or you can give me your number and I will call you, in long distance cases. If you do think less of me, I don't know what to tell you. I guess I'm sorry, and good luck with life. Well, I have to go to bed, I have to get up in a few hours for that wrestling match up at West tomorrow. I am working the score, stats, and time... and not getting paid a dime. It's good to give back to the community I guess. Plus, my brother is wrestling. He is ranked third in the state.
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